The Road to Savannah: It was the turtle who won that race...

I’m not going to be winning any races any time soon. My July race was a small half marathon in Easton, MA. There were 300 runners in the half, and I finished faster than 3% of those people.  Yes, that puts me in the bottom 10 people. And, ostensibly, I’m ok with that. I still ran it. Someone has to be last, one day it might be me. Do I love being at the back of the pack, no! Does being at the back of the pack offer me some anxiety that front-of-the-pack runners don’t have to deal with, yes! Do I routinely have to fight with the notion that some people will think I'm not as dedicated as fast people, yes! But, it’s a spot I’ve learned to accept.

I don’t run to be fast. I tried to get fast(er) once. And I did. And in the process I broke down and was sidelined for the better portion of a year. On the heels of that, I realize that I value the ability to run races more than I value any hope of “winning”.  I love doing this, and I’d like to keep doing it for a long time. So, I don’t push to reach speed standards anymore.

I found this t-shirt the other day, and I love it
(not just because my dog is named Turtle!)

I often find myself apologizing for my (lack of) speed, or trying to make excuses for it. I'm always putting a caveat on the "Oh, so you're a runner" comments with an "I'm not that good" response. I hide my run/walk type of running style like a dark secret, I stare off to the side when people say with disdain "I saw this one guy walking..." and I cower in the corner when people talk about how they’d rather die than take more than 4 hours to finish a marathon. I shift my eyes downward when crossing paths with someone who is fast, dreading making eye contact for fear that I will see them looking at me and wondering why I’m even running.  But, then I remind myself that I'm out here, running, just like those fast guys. We all do our own thing to get across the finish line and get back out there the next day. We have our routines, our preferences, and they are our own. I don't run races for anyone else, and I don’t run to be fast.  

I run so I can unplug. I run so I can disconnect. I run because I am pushing myself to my own limits, not someone else’s. I run because it slows my brain down, which is often moving too fast and doing too many things. I run because it makes me feel strong, and determined. I run because it opens my eyes. I run because it makes me a kinder person. I run because it makes my head clearer. I run because it chases away the trials and tribulations of the day. I run because it connects me to the places I live. I run because runners are some of the most wonderful people I’ve met. I run because I am the absolute best version of myself when I am running. When I remember these things, the shame of running slow falls away.

I may not be fast, but I have become better. What I’ve learned through this year of running is to stop letting my mind control my body, and start letting my body control my mind. My mind tells me to stop some days before I even get going, but my feet just scream louder for my running shoes. My mind tells me I’m tired and can’t go any further, while my legs are singing look at us, we are going. My body is in control, shutting my mind down when it wants to be scared. I notice that it does not take the mental preparation for me to run 8, 9, 10, 15 miles. I was so sure my mind would talk me out of my very first 18-mile run that I hopped on a plane and ran that run in Boston (8 miles with NDH and then a pass off for the final 10 miles with CNHB and tiny Ebster!) 18-miles is not the same mental hurdle that it was. (22, 26, they still are a mental challenge), but I can see how far I’ve come since that first day I trained for a timed mile.

I've noticed this same effect on my personality off the road. Instead of reacting to things like an emotional illogical hot-mess, I'm slower, more thoughtful and hopefully a bit more purposeful. I find myself to be a bit more understanding of others, and their opinions/needs/ideas. I give myself time to process, and thoroughly think things through. I care less about the expected outcome, or preferred procedure, and I make choices based on what works for me. I've noticed that things which would have been a "hot-button" for me a year ago can slide by almost unnoticed these days. I have been banking a lot of energy that I used to spend worrying about endless things. It's a welcome, new-found freedom.

I joined a new running group, which I absolutely love, and have been running in the back of that pack. There are plenty of people who are much more talented at running than I am. But I won’t lie and say I didn’t love some of the facial expressions when early in the training season I told them that this would be my third marathon. And that I’ve run a half marathon every month so far this year. Yep, me, that girl huffing it out in back. What of it? We had a happy hour a few weeks back, combined with the half marathon training group. I spent some time talking to the half marathoners, and I remembered a similar day in Austin when I chatted with a marathon runner. I was in absolute awe of her, I could not comprehend what type of guts it must have taken her to set out one day and say, I’m going to train for 26.2 miles. I was in awe that she wasn’t already crying because she was about to go out on an 18 mile run, and what if she died out there! I was nearly crying for her.  I saw a similar look of disbelief on these half marathoners faces, as I told them of my first, second, and now third time training for a full marathon. I think the biggest disbelief was my own. There are many people who are much more accomplished at this than I am, but, it turns out along the way – I’ve become a runner. And I'm trying to stop making excuses, or placing a caveat on that. I am just a runner, it doesn’t matter my speed.